Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Four Reasons to Love Valentine's Day (Even If You Hate It)

Rippin' out a hole with my paper heart.
Love is in the air...and it's making people want to puke.

Maybe they don't have anyone with whom they can spend the day.  Maybe they hate a holiday created by card companies.  Maybe they got divorced in June, and their ex-wives are getting remarried Saturday, and while they don't want to get back with their ex-wives and sincerely wish them and their new spouses (who are great) the very best, the whole thing is just kind of making them a little lonely right now...hypothetically speaking, of course.  Regardless of the reason, some people just want to beat Cupid's bare bottom until it's black and blue.

However, I am going to choose to look at the brighter side.  Of course, that isn't saying much:  The grass in Mordor is looking rather green right now (and one does not simply sweet-talk his way into Mordor).  Still, I am going to make the case that you should LOVE Valentine's Day, even if you hate it.  Here are four good reasons why:

1.  It stimulates...the economy.   One of the few things most economists agree on is that consumer spending helps the economy.  Criticize if you will, but people spend on Valentine's Day.  Moreover, it helps local businesses, like florists and restaurants, the most.  No one wants a romantic meal at Chili's, do they?  (My apologies to any guys who are planning to take their significant others to Chili's AND whose significant others have read this.  On the other hand, you were kind of asking for it, weren't you?  Nothing says romance like splitting a plate of fajitas.)  Interestingly, men spend an average of $169 on Valentine's Day gifts for their significant other, whereas women will spend $87, nearly half that amount, on theirs.  Ladies, once we get this "equal pay for equal work" thing straightened out, I expect this to be rectified.

2.  It gives you one day to dwell on things...and move on.  In reality, Valentine's Day is a merciful holiday.  You only have one day to focus on how you are going to die alone and how your carcass will get eaten by your 32 cats, since it's going to be at least three weeks before anyone notices your gone, instead of dwelling on it for an entire season, like from Thanksgiving through the New Year.  If you're upset about not having anyone on Valentine's Day, remember:  You don't have anyone on any other day of the year, either.  Valentine's Day forces you to focus on this fact for just one day and frees you from thinking about it for the next 9 months.

3. It puts people in the mood.  Any legal means of inspiring people to get it on is just fine with me, and no other day makes people feel like greasing the turtle like Valentine's Day.  I know some of you are thinking:  That's great, but I don't have anyone on whom I can get my groove.  You're missing the point.  Your chances have seriously improved today, so get out of those sweatpants, shower, shave, and getcha some!!   But always remember:  Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.  (Author's note:  These are the moments when I am so happy my daughters cannot read yet.  I'm going to delete this and many other posts the day they can.) 

4. It allows us to have one of the most wonderful days of the year:  February 15th - Half-Priced Valentine's Day Candy Day!!!  All those red, heart-shaped boxes you are resenting today?  Tomorrow, they become glorious vessels of sweet, discounted indulgence.  Enjoy, friends.  While love may get you down, there is still one constant you can always rely on:  Chocolate.  Chocolate will never lie to you.  Chocolate will never break your heart.  Chocolate just says, "Hey sweetheart, go ahead and hide me in the cabinet above the refrigerator.  No one ever looks up there.  And when you need me, I'll be right here waiting for you.  Always."  There's always tomorrow and the cheap, chocolaty treasures it brings.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I read this earlier....I'm still in sweatpants! Oh well, there's always next year.